To Whom It May Concern

Every now and then, I need to get serious here. This is one of those times. The other day, someone left me some feedback on this site that really made me stop and think. The writer remained anonymous, for reasons that seem clear once you read it, and probably never expected a response, but I thought this was something important. I really hope whoever wrote it finds and reads this response.

Unfortunately, the guy I was really into (my somewhat boyfriend) had cybersex with you and I saw the conversation. I hope that you don’t receive too many of these comments because in reality this isn’t your fault. It was his. I actually don’t know why I’m writing to you, I guess to acknowledge that you won. You are exactly what he’s always wanted and I’m not. I just hope you remember to stay beautiful and don’t ever let a man define who you are as a person and not as the sexy cyber girl. Sincerely, The Unwanted

I’m sorry. That’s what I want to say most of all. I’m sorry.

There’s plenty of debate about whether or not having cybersex with someone other than your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/whatever counts as cheating. On one hand, nothing really happens other than typing. That’s pretty chaste, isn’t it? And usually it’s with a fairly anonymous partner, nothing more than a fantasy, really. On the other hand, sex with a partner carries with it some intimacy, even if your partner is across the world reacting to the same chat window as you. My own commitment issues aside, here’s where I sit on the cheating/not cheating issue of cybersex: Talk to your partner, and heed whatever the more conservative viewpoint is. If your partner thinks cybersex is cheating, then don’t do it unless you’re fully intending to cheat, even if you disagree with that view. If your partner is fine with cybersex but you aren’t, don’t dabble with the excuse that your partner’s probably doing it. If you’d be upset if your partner played online, then you shouldn’t either, even when your partner would be okay with it. Of course, cybering with each other is something I’d flat out encourage! And maybe if you’re unsure of it, try it together. Both of you sit at a computer together and play with someone else with  your partner right there with you, reading everything you’re reading, and maybe even suggesting what you should write. This can be incredibly sexy! Also, many online sex sites offer not only male or female options for your profile, but also “couple.”

I would agree with the writer of this letter to me that the guy is at fault. He should know whether or not his girlfriend would approve of him playing online. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll play with anyone who catches my interest. If you’re in a commited relationship, know that if you play with me, you may be cheating.

I appreciate the thought she closes with, telling me to “remember to stay beautiful and don’t ever let a man define who you are as a person and not as the sexy cyber girl.” That made me smile. And rest assured, the only person defining who I am is me.

I do take exception to the idea that I won. I’d like to address this part specifically to the woman who wrote this. I don’t think there’s a winner here. At all. You didn’t win, insofar as you feel defeated and have probably broken things off with this guy. He didn’t win, because he’s lost you now. Any thought that he’s won anything because I’m his now, or anything like that, is sorely mistaken. I am no more his than any of the other guys I play with. He’s gotten no exclusivity to me at all. And if he’s at all broken up over losing you, it may be hard for him to pursue me at all anymore, assuming he doesn’t flat out blame me for fucking up his relationship. And I know that I didn’t win anything. If it wasn’t for this note, I’d have no idea anything was any different.

My goal is not to break up relationships. My goal is simply to have fun, and provide fun to those who enjoy similar activities. Boys, don’t be idiots. Any online play with me is not worth the real life intimacy of a woman who wants you. Don’t put that at risk.

A final note to the woman who wrote to me: If you are willing, I would be more than happy to chat with you privately about this. I welcome any further input you may have, and would like to strike up a dialogue with you. If this is something you’d be willing to do, leave me your email address (could be a dummy address you set up just for this), or however you’d like to communicate (a private chatroom, maybe) on the Feedback page. I will keep it 100% confidential between you and me. Take care of yourself, girl.


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